Grace will lead me Home

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There’s been a lot of talk lately about Brittany, the girl in Oregon who is 29 and has decided to end her life in a few weeks, because she has cancer.

I was going to write about this. But then Ann Voskamp put this on her blog, and…all I can say is yes.

Yes, five thousand times yes.

Suffering is pain. Suffering is darkness and doubt and horrible things, and there are times when in that suffering and pain we want to end it all, to end in on our terms.

I know. I’ve been there. I’ve almost said no so many times. So many times I wanted to close my hands, like Ann says in her book, and say no, God! No God, I will not take this from your hand! 

No, no, no. I will not.

But the thing is…..that’s where the pain all comes from. From saying no.

What kicked Lucifer out of heaven?

Saying, no, God. No, God, I will not do this. I will not serve. 

And finally….

Thousands of years later….the world was healed and saved with yes.

Yes, God. Yes, I will do your will. 

“For I have come down from heaven, not to do My own will, but the will of Him who sent Me.”

–John 6: 38

I have laid in the bed, in the dark nights, with tubes in my body and pain in my mind and thought I can’t.

I have fought against that will. I have wanted to stop.

But then I realized that God is in all those details. He knows when I sit and when I stand, and He has marked out my day aright.

There is a plan…it’s just not one I know, all the way to the end. But to end the story before it’s really over? To deny myself, and others, any of the precious days that God gives?

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I can’t.

We have to–all of us have to–trust in the plan. Open our hands and say “yes” to whatever is placed in it.

God is always good. Always. No matter what is happening.

In the suffering is the good, the glory…its beauty.

And I say that as someone who knows it, and who has wanted to run away from it and deny it and has wished for something that would be easier.

But that’s not His plan for me. His plan is for me, right here, and right now, with this body.

When He calls me, I’ll go. But until then….He’s the author of my story.

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5 thoughts on “Grace will lead me Home

  1. Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for sharing Kara’s letter from Ann’s site. Incredibly inspiring. I pray that Brittany and others in her position will have a change of heart and see the beauty within the pain. God Bless

  2. Hi Emily, thanks for sharing. I also read Ann’s post and I am grateful that we can share our pain so others may find the courage to live. Cancer is painful, tiring, and it tries the soul. Like you said God is there with you. He is in the pain not outside of it. He holds you up when you feel you cant go on. I know is all I can say. I know the pain you talk about and we need each other to share our fears with. Pope Francis has been talking alot about Unity in the Church. This is an area that we need to be more united in.. To share our pain so the world doesn’t shun it as something horrible, something to hide or in the worst situation something that must be exterminated at all cost. Saint John Paul II shared his suffering with the whole world so we could see the beauty and the strength that comes from God. He was an example to all of us so we would never hide from others, but to allow others to help. I think that more should be addressed on this issue of pain,sickness, because if we continue to hide it our lives can’t shine in the darkness of someone who may be lost in the darkness of fear. Emily, what you wrote was so beautiful and true. All I can add is: I know, I know the pain. I know the fear. I know the emptiness. I know the “Dark Night of soul and body.” I also know the love. This overwhelming love that is our gift from Jesus. He is the strength that helps us get up to face each day as they come. He is our joy! I pray for all those who are sick that the Blessed Mother will send Her ministering angels to them. So they will have hope and faith and love in their hour of pain.

  3. Pingback: Daybook No. 79 | Living Adventurously

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